you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
