well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
