i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i think i have two assholes
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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