I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
