He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
