Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
