My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
