3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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