my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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