And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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