I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
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i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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