New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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