My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
