there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
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You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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