is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
