Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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