I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I would ride that face into the sunset
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
