My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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