I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
