Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
