Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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