i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
