Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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