just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
