two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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