why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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