it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
