I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
