Can i not drive my cunt home
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I met the friendliest cop last night
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Success! We fucked roommates!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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