Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
