people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
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So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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