Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
They took my balls.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
