There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
