i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
