Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?