I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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