my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.