Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
