Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
