She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
