Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
