he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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