Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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