how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The best revenge is premature balding
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
