Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
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