I hate your face
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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