One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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