Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I want her autograph on my taint
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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