I accidentally had phone sex last night
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
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