Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
