He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Randomize
