I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
