I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
