You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dignity is for republicans.
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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