Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
