P.S. I can't hear my feet
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
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